The Long Con
by just a space duck
Summary: Fortuneteller Baba has set her greedy eyes on Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. With two unwitting saiyans by her side, will the wizarding world even know what hit it?
1. Chapter 1

**I've always enjoyed DBZ/HP x-overs (I even published a chapter of one years ago!) but felt that the power imbalances between the two universes are just too extreme to make work seriously. So why not write a completely non-serious work? **

Trunks sighed as he finished up the last of the papers. As much fun as he'd admit this job was, he fucking hated having to do all this paperwork. It didn't help that his partner was half illiterate and half asshole, so he always pawned off his own paperwork on Trunks. Of course Trunks couldn't really complain, as his partner was the heavy muscle of the operation and could probably do all the work without him. Well, all the physical work anyways, anything that involved any thought or finesse was his territory.

Not to say that he wasn't powerful in his own right, but compared to Vegito, well, it wasn't even close.

"You finished there, Trunks?" Vegito popped in carrying two trays stacked to the top with food. Trunks gathered all the papers and stashed them away in his satchel to clear the table. Vegito laid both trays down on the small circular table and sat down opposite him.

"Where did you go today?" Trunks asked while picking up his chopsticks and pulling out a plate of rice. "A new place down in HFIL King Kai told me about, it's supposed to be pretty good"

They began to dig in to their food like only saiyans could, the only sound in the air was the clinking of their plates as they wolfed down food at unhealthy speeds. It was a beautiful spot, this one; the small planetoid was completely green, with a single tree towering over everything and providing shade. The clear skies of other world and the vast expanse of snake way disappearing into infinite clouds made for an incredible view.

Vegito paused enough in pigging out on his seventh plate of fish to chuckle "Guess who I met while going out to get food?"

Trunks, who was already finishing up on his meal, shrugged. "Yajirobe?" he came up with the most random person he could find, though he didn't even know if the fat man was significant enough to earn a body.

Vegito shook his head "Princess Snake" Trunks groaned and threw his head back while Vegito laughed again, little specs of rice flying all over the place.

"Let me guess, she asked about me?"

"Yep, she was asking half a dozen questions about you and where you were, it only got worse when I told her we were going to be on leave"

Trunks' eyes widened in horror "Why the hell did you tell her that?!" Vegito shrugged and continued eating. Trunks shook his head and stood up from the table, wanting to stretch his limbs and clear his head.

Princess Snake had had a thing for him from the moment Trunks took the job. The demi-saiyan had thought he could avoid her, what with Other World being so huge and all, but apparently the afterlife was much smaller than he thought, or the Kai were playing a cruel joke on him. "I guess we're not spending our vacation here" Trunks sighed, he'd been looking forward to spending time with his mother and all the Z-Warriors.

"Good, I didn't want to deal with Bulma and Chichi's bullshit anyways" Trunks ignored the insult to his mother and pulled out the paperwork he'd been working on. "Let me finish this up and we'll go over to Yemma and punch out"

Knowing how long this usually took, Vegito went over to the tree and sat with his back against the trunk to take a nap.

Trunks had filled out so many forms in his short time on the job his mind wasn't even in it anymore.

"Done." He'd finally gotten through everything, the only thing missing was his partner's signatures. Trunks pulled a stapler from his satchel and stapled all the papers together, then he threw them at the snoozing Vegito. The saiyan yawned awake and looked down at the stack of paper on his chest. "Where's the pen?" he asked, Trunks chucked it at him and Vegito began scribbling his name where Trunks had marked it.

"There you go" He returned the papers and Trunks shuffled them away. Happy to be done, he held on to Vegito's shoulder as he teleported them over to Yemma's castle.

The entrance to other world was as cramped as ever, with an endless line of little white globs waiting for their final judgment, a stream of weedy Oni were walking around with clipboards. King Yemma was at his high table, processing souls with his head resting on his chin.

The two saiyans walked up to the table, which towered ten feet over them. They floated up until they were face to face with King Yemma.

"Here you go boss" Vegito threw the papers on the table. Yemma rolled his eyes at Vegito's lack of decorum before he picked up the papers and flipped through them.

"Hey! Can't you get finished judging me first!" the little blob of soul demanded, it had been waiting for months to finally get judged.

"HFIL" Yemma said without even looking up from the documents. "Wait..No!" the soul looked as exasperated as a little white cloud can look. One of the Oni began to drag it away towards the doors of hell. "Don't worry little guy, it's not really that bad" Trunks shouted in assurance.

"Don't say that Trunks" Yemma whispered through gritted teeth

"But it's the truth"

Yemma facepalmed, usually Vegito was the one that gave him problems "You work for other world, you have to toe the party line, understand?" Yemma glared at the purple haired teen. He gave one final glance at the paperwork, looking for anything Trunks had done wrong so he could berate him about it. When he found nothing, he reached for his stamp and was about to send the two saiyans on vacation when…

"King Yemma!" an Oni rushed through the line, a wadded up case file in his right hand. "New case, just came off the presser!"

Yemma moved Trunks' paperwork aside and took the new files from the Oni. He began flipping through it semi-interested, as someone who hadn't left his desk in ten thousand years, reading these stories of dangerous situations always made his day.

Vegito tapped his foot impatiently "Can you just stamp our papers so we can get the hell out of here?"

Yemma looked at the two of them with a smile that told Trunks they were about to be screwed. "I'm afraid you won't be able to go on vacation just yet, we need you on this case"

"WHAT?" both saiyans yelled in unison, outrage coursing through their veins.

Vegito flew up into the big ogre's face, his teeth grinding. "Now you listen here you miserable giant stiff, if you don't give me one good reason why you're forcing us to do a job when we've got vacation time coming up, I'm going to blast your desk all the way to hell"

Yemma gulped, sweat was pouring down his face but he kept his composure. "I'll give you a reason, you two are the last Sentai on duty"

Vegito blinked "Oh, well that's a pretty good reason" mollified, he flew back to stand next to Trunks.

"How could we be the last two on duty?" The teenager asked with suspicion.

Yemma shrugged "Everyone seemed to want their vacations around this time of year, I think West Grand Kai is having a beach party or something. You two are the only ones that haven't punched out" knowing about all these social events was torturous to Yemma, who could never leave his desk. It had dawned on him after a few thousand years that he might be the only person in other world actually serving a sentence worthy of hell. He really hoped the situation was ironic, because that's what he called it all the time.

"What kind of shitty planning leaves you with every single Uchu-Sentai getting vacation time on the same damn day?!" Trunks yelled in exasperation. Vegeto put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. He himself didn't really mind doing another mission, they'd probably knock it out in three minutes.

"Any complaints should be filed and notified at the other world service facility in Kai Planet 287" Yemma parroted "Now take this case and get out of here, I have work to do" he shoved the papers in Trunks' hands and waved them off.

"Let's go back home and pack up" Vegito teleported them away before Trunks tried to choke Yemma or something.

They materialized in their "house", or the place where they sometimes went to sleep as Trunks thought of it. It was a tiny planet on the periphery of other world, so far apart from everything else that you couldn't even see snake way. This planet had no trees, the only things on its surface were grass and a house.

The Kai had rigged it so that this planet was in a constant state of twilight, which made it perfect for crashing. Which is what the two used it for.

"Ok, you gather up our supplies and I'll read through this stupid case" Trunks grumbled, sitting down on the coffee table in their tiny kitchen. Vegito went off to collect their supplies, which really just meant going into Trunks' room and grabbing his capsule case, restocking any capsules they'd already used up.

Trunks only got to the first page of the mission briefing before he had steam coming out of his ears. "A _C_ level mission? He took us off our vacation for a _C_ level mission?!" he wished he had a glass in his hand just so he could shatter it. A C level mission was something someone as weak as Yamcha could handle.

Vegito returned with Trunks' capsule case "Look at it this way, we'll be done with it quick and be on vacation in no time" he went over to the pantry and pulled out some chocolate chip cookies they had stashed. Setting them down on the table, Trunks grabbed one and munched absently while he read.

"What is it anyways?" Vegito asked

Trunks sighed "It's a protection job, we have to defend the princess of earth from alien abduction, universe A-235-5XMB" As he spoke the universe's serial number he typed it into his wristwatch, setting the coordinates.

"Princess of earth" Vegito whistled "That one is definitely on the opposite end of the spectrum then"

"Don't think you'll be doing much exploring, we'll go in, find out who's trying to kidnap said princess and kill them before lunch" Trunks finished tinkering with the watch, which began emitting a low hum. Vegito's belt began emitting the same hum. Trunks pressed a button on the watch and both object began vibrating.

"Here we go" Vegito yawned; he should have taken a longer nap.

The vibrations intensified until the two men vibrated right out of the universe, leaving in a blink of the eye.

...

"Lemon drops?"

"No thank you. Sweets are bad for my figure"

Albus Dumbledore looked over his half-moon spectacles. The witch in front of him didn't _have_ a figure to worry about, but he would be polite for now. This summer had been the most frantic and hellish in all of his years as headmaster. The most hellish war the wizarding world had seen in over 200 years was at its most intense. Voldemort was at the peak of his powers, and for the first time in decades things seemed very bleak. The Order was weak, having lost the Prewett brothers just last week. Yes, Albus was a very tired man.

Adding to that, he'd finished his search for the Defense professor just last week, applicants for the cursed position were scarce and the few he did get were either under qualified or not fit to be within a certain distance of schoolchildren. The candidate he'd chosen was the best of the bunch: safe, boring and with no prior convictions. This year more than ever he'd heavily considered starting the search for next year's professor during the school year. Or maybe if he changed the name of the course Tom's jinx would be dispelled? It was worth looking into.

Right after he'd picked his DADA teacher and prepared to go over mundane things like checking the list of banned objects and spying on the other professors with the help of the portraits, Minerva came along with the bad news: he needed to choose a Divinations teacher now that old Proctor had kicked the bucket.

Divination was bullshit, the students knew it, the teachers knew it and the people applying for the job knew it. Half the applicants were people whose only qualifications were passing Divination at Hogwarts. While nobody wanted the Defense post, everybody wanted the easy money of teaching pseudo-magic electives. Those types of applicants weren't even the worst; the worst were those who actually believed they were seers. He had never seen so many oddballs and lunatics in one place, and this was coming from him. He was considering just dropping the whole course and reinstating dueling.

This new applicant filled the mold perfectly. She was short, shorter than even Flitwick, and very ancient looking with pink hair. Her black robes and hat were normal enough, but she sat and travelled atop her crystal ball which she had charmed to hover a few feet above the ground.

"Do you have your credentials?" Albus asked hoping to get this done with. There were three applicants left and he was likely to give the job to the last one he saw.

"Heh. Do I have credentials?" Her raspy voice was very grating, torture to the eardrums. "I'm Fortuneteller Baba, that's credentials enough"

Dumbledore's interest was piqued, though he didn't show it. Fortuneteller Baba was one of the most famous seers in recent history. She had appeared a hundred and thirty years ago and made perfect and accurate predictions. She was the most sought after seer in the world and her services cost a pretty penny. Albus had been inclined to think her a fraud but even Nicholas Flamel attested to her abilities. Baba had disappeared twenty years after she first showed up, when Albus was just starting his apprenticeship. Nobody knew what happened to the famous seer though there were rumors that she had gone to another realm, the realm from whence she'd originated. Albus again heavily doubted the veracity of such claims but Nicholas had told him that he wouldn't have been surprised; Baba's magic was unlike that of any other witch he'd ever met.

Albus focused on this woman in front of him with renewed interest. She definitely looked old enough to be Baba, if anything.

"That is an interesting claim. Do you have any proof?"

Baba got a nasty grin on her wrinkled old face as she hopped off her crystal ball. The Ball continued hovering for a few seconds before plopping down on the floor next to her.

"Albus Dumbledore, Flamel's apprentice." Her evil smile only widened "I know which one of you killed Ariana."

Dumbledore's blood ran cold. Only three other people knew about that. The death of his sister had scarred him so deeply that it had still not healed. Knowing who had dealt her the final blow was one of his life's greatest unanswered questions, he didn't know how he'd feel if he found out who the killer was.

"Who?" Albus tried to keep his cool, tried to keep control, but this old hag had blindsided him.

"Heh" Baba's smile became more reserved, though it still showed off her uneven and gap filled teeth. "That's for me to know. Now will you give me the job?"

Albus was furious. How dare this woman do that to him? Bait him and then just leave him hanging with something so important. He narrowed his eyes and had to admit that she was getting to him. He organized his thoughts and steeped his fingertips to calm himself down; he didn't get this far by being rash and emotional.

"I need proof of your abilities as a seer" he said in a chilly but neutral tone.

"Hmmm, I'm afraid I can't show you the future without pay. I'll show you the present instead" She extended her arms out to her crystal ball and yelled some gibberish. The ball gave an ethereal glow and fogged over, Albus had to inch closer from his desk to see the image as the ball was on the floor.

He saw his Deputy Headmistress, sitting in her office and looking over lesson plans. The usually severe Minerva was scratching her nose and cracking her knuckles absently, yawning lightly as she looked over Albus' spidery writing.

Baba had a smug look on her face, though she was disappointed that she didn't catch McGonagall in a compromising position. She frowned and did her silly chant again:

"Oh hoi, hoi, hoi, poi..." This time she levitated the crystal ball close to Dumbledore's face. She kept on chanting, dragging it along as much as she could to build up the suspense.

"Oh hoi, hoi, hoi, poi..." her voice grew gradually louder until suddenly the fogged up crystal ball cleared up.

Lord Voldemort was sitting in his throne room, a bored look on his face. He shot a glance at the ancient grandfather clock to his right and sighed. He pulled out his wand in a flourish and began playing a game, he would conjure cute little animals and then kill them in gory ways. He turned a rabbit inside out, then made a deer skullfuck its eyehole while a machete repeatedly struck the deer in the back. Then he-

Baba hadn't quite expected that and she unceremoniously cut off the transmission and let the crystal ball drop to the floor. Both occupants of the headmaster's office tried to hold in their lunch

"Sooo…" Baba looked at the headmaster expectantly, they both silently agreed to not acknowledge what they had just seen.

Dumbledore sighed "You're hired" with abilities like that it would be suicide to not keep her at Hogwarts. If Voldemort or somebody else got a hold of her it would spell the end.

Baba squeezed her hands together happily. "Good, then we can discuss my salary"

Dumbledore nodded and pulled out a contract and a blood quill. "The salary for professors of elective courses is four hundred galleons a year plus a bonus depending on how well your students do in their O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s" he grimaced when Baba frowned.

"That won't do" the old dwarf tisked "I will work for ten thousand galleons a semester, nothing less."

Dumbledore blanched. Who did this woman think she was? "I am afraid that is unacceptable. The salary for a regular teacher is seven hundred galleons a year; my salary is at a thousand galleons a year. Twenty thousand a year is simply ridiculous"

"Please headmaster, be reasonable. Those other hacks don't have my talents. They teach students to wave some sticks, I'll be teaching them to gaze into the distant future, to have the power to alter the very course of history" Baba coughed. Even if she were honestly interested in teaching the little brats it would take most of their natural lives to be half as good as her. She would coast through the school year with hokey bullshit like every other divination teacher. "If anything, I should be asking for triple the money."

Dumbledore narrowed his eyes at her. This woman held all the cards and she knew it. He couldn't not give her the job and risk her going to Voldemort, who would gladly torture and mind control her to use her powers. While Dumbledore had thought of using the imperious on her he was deterred when he tried to use legilimency and discovered that she was a master Occlumens. _Figures._ He couldn't pay her that ridiculous sum though; it would cause an outrage to have a teacher, much less a divinations teacher, paid more money than every other professor combined. He wouldn't be able to explain it away and it would lead to some nasty situations with the board of governors and the general public, not to mention the internal conflict within the teaching staff.

"I am sure we can reach a compromise." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he got an idea "Recently the last member of the Moon line passed away and their seat in the Wizengamot has been left empty. I could assist you in any way I could in acquiring that seat" This would bring up a shitstorm as well, but it was not nearly as bad as the other alternative that could leave him jobless.

"Ten thousand a semester, take it or leave it" Baba hopped on her crystal ball and it floated up above the headmaster's desk, she waited a few seconds and seeing no response turned back to leave.

"Wait" Dumbledore hated this idea, but it was the best he could come up with. "I will pay but we will need to use two contracts. You will get the four hundred galleons from the school contract and I will set up another contract to transfer the rest of the money from my bank account" Screw that, he'd get one of his more naïve and spineless supporters to pony up most of the money; he already had Longbottom in his sights.

Baba seemed satisfied "I'll come by tomorrow to sign the contracts" She floated out of the headmasters office and tried to hide her elation, she was going to squeeze this world dry.

With a short flash of light, the two materialized onto a vast green field. They looked around, seeing nothing but grass as far as the eye could see.

...

"Where the fuck are they?" Vegito asked gruffly. Their contact on the other side (usually the person that filed the emergency AID request in the first place) "What's the name of the rendezvous?" he asked Trunks, irritated that this job had started off on the wrong foot.

Trunk shuffled through the casefile and flipped over to one of the middle pages. Generally he took the time to read these things through and be as prepared as possible for the job. But with it being a _C_ level mission just before their vacation, he hadn't felt the need to bother.

Trunks let out a mighty groan when he read the name. He didn't want to believe it, but it was right there in plain letters.

_Fuck King Yemma forever. _He thought.

"Who is it?" Vegito inquired hesitantly. Trunks shook his head and showed him the offending page.

"WHAT?" he bellowed out. "I thought they banned that old cunt from filling these out?!"

"*Ahem* that's not a proper way to refer to a lady"

Their heads swiveled around as the object of their scorn stood in front of them. All three feet of her.

Before Baba could even blink, Vegito had her by the scruff of her neck, his fierce Saiyan eyes promising nothing but excruciating pain. The tiny old woman gulped

Trunks stepped up, flowing naturally into the Dog and Leash routine they'd developed for interrogations. "How did you circumvent your ban, old hag?"

Baba wanted to curse him out for the insult, but the tightening of Vegito's grip forced her to stay on topic. "I was banned from filing aid requests, not from being named as a rendevouz"

Trunks narrowed his eyes. Flipping through the case file once more, he found the name of the person who filed the request. "Who's princess Cas-cas- whatever her name is, and why isn't she here?"

Baba harrumphed "First of all its Princess Cassiopreia, and second of all she's the name I made up to file the request" she finished off with pride.

Vegito and Trunks shared a single look and nodded simultaneously.

"Well, this was even quicker than I thought it'd be" Vegito quipped as Trunks set his watch to return them back home. "We'll throw her in a holding cell and let that giant red fuck deal with her"

"Heh. I can't wait to see his face, the smug bastard" Trunks chuckled.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Baba squealed desperately "Hear me out! You could make a whole lot of money!"

They ignored her. Trunks nodded in confirmation as he'd set the correct coordinates

"YOU CAN SCREW KING YEMMA OVER!" she shrieked in a last gasp attempt at saving her scheme.

It worked. The two saiyans froze, Trunks with his finger hovering inches over the transport button on his watch. Vegito gave a mighty sigh, knowing he'd regret this sooner rather than later. "We're listening"

Baba let out a deep breath. "This is a _C_ level mission, right?"

"Right" they answered simultaneously.

"So really when you look at it, this could basically be a vacation for you. Now stay with me boys…" she raised her hands up before they started calling her an idiot. That was the problem with trying to persuade Saiyans, they were the most impatient beings in the universe. "This is a C level mission, but if complications were to arise, the filer could pay for an extension, which the idiots that run Other World have set no time limit on. We could milk this thing for six two eight months or even a year, you two get double pay for all that time. Tell me, when is your vacation time coming up?"

"Today" Trunks growled.

Baba's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. This was perfect! "This couldn't have worked out any better! You guys could accumulate a whole year of lost vacation pay and extra vacation days. This could be the score of a lifetime for you!"

"Plus a cut of however much you're going to steal from this place" Vegito added, dampening her mood. She thought about protesting for a second, but a look at their faces told her it wouldn't be wise. She'd try to renegotiate the terms later.

"What kind of scam _are_ you running here Baba?" Trunks asked.

Baba gave them a wide, toothless grin "Well It's quite simple..."

**Aaaand there's Chapter 1. I should have Chapter 2 up in a few days, I have about four chapters worth of content written already and will be releasing them every few days.**


	2. Chapter 2

Ever since Baba had left the previous afternoon, Dumbledore had been racking his brain for a way to have the old hag join the war effort. He'd wanted to track her, to find out about anything that would make her vulnerable, but she literally banished from his office the moment they agreed to a signing. Someone powerful enough to surpass the Hogwarts wards was a scary though indeed. Even worse was that he hadn't even been able to sense it. Generally powerful wizards could not hide their presence from other powerful wizards, who could sniff them out through any disguise. The fact that she was able to do this to him was very frightening indeed.

The bigger problem was getting her assistance in the fight against Voldemort. He had some hope in his heart that she would help out of goodwill, but he knew the reality was that she'd ask for an even more ridiculous sum of money on top of what she was already going to receive.

Before he was able to give it any further thought, there was a knock at his door. He could already guess what it was going to be about.

"Come in"

His deputy headmistress opened the door, a bit more confused than the frustration and anger Albus had been expecting. Minerva had been cheering for the death of the Divination position, Albus had expected her to show at least a bit of contempt for the new teacher.

"Your new teacher is here with her…assistant" Dumbledore nodded and she fully opened the door.

Baba came into view just as she had been yesterday, riding her crystal ball and with a plain black robe and hat. Trailing behind her was the reason for Minerva's confusion: a rather handsome young man with striking Lavender in a bowl cut. He had on muggle attire, a black t-shirt, dark pants and yellow boots to match a yellow belt.

"Ah, greetings Professor Baba. You didn't tell me you required an assistant for your course"

Baba gave one of those smirks that had become very irritating rather quickly. "Yes well, I forgot to mention him. He's my personal assistant."

The young man looked like he wished to be anywhere else but here. Begrudgingly he offered the headmaster a curt nod.

"Trunks" he said in a stiff tone.

"Trunks, that's an unusual name" Dumbledore noted

"And yours isn't?" he asked with a derisive sneer. Dumbledore simply forced a smile and continued on.

"Well this is rather unexpected so I'm afraid you will have to wait until I find appropriate lodging for you, unless you'd rather share" he said with a twinkle in his eye. He took some satisfaction from the look of disgust that crossed the man's face along with the horrendous blush that adorned Baba's.

"Oh well that wouldn't be very becoming of a lady like myself now would it?" she gave Trunks a glance over her shoulder to see him fighting to keep his lunch in.

"I'll wait for the room" the saiyan said with not so thinly veiled disgust.

Dumbledore nodded, happy to have gotten one over them, as juvenile as it was.

Well, let's get down to brass cauldrons" Dumbledore said, pulling the contracts out and making sure that Minerva didn't notice the second one.

Baba stretched her hand out and the contracts floated into her grasp, eliciting a gasp from McGonagall and a raised eyebrow from Dumbledore. While the old hag was reading, the deputy headmistress gave her boss an incredulous look at the display of wandless magic.

Baba read each contract thoroughly, going as far as to stick the papers to her nose and smelling them deeply. After giving the parchment a few licks she nodded in approval and took the blood quill, signing both contracts with an overly dramatic flourish.

"I'm sure this is the start of a wonderful partnership, Headmaster"

Dumbledore gulped. Somehow those words added to his stressful thoughts more than anything.

"Well then, how about we all go down to the Great Hall for a nice…"

Dumbledore was interrupted by an out of breath Filch, who was sweating buckets and looked like he'd ran from the other side of the castle.

"What is it Argus?" McGonagall asked the unpleasant man.

"Headmaster..." he wheezed "Binns has passed on!"

"What?" he'd ask if this was a joke if Filch wasn't the man who only took joy in torturing children.

Baba tried to keep her whistling as low as possible.

"He said he was finally at peace with his life and was ready to shuffle off this mortal coil. And then he just… disappeared"

"This can't be!" Minerva said with her hands on her head "How are we going to find a History professor in less than a week?"

Albus was wiping his glasses, his mind racing at this new, ridiculous development. Binns passing on? The man who in life had cared more about teaching history than his own well-being? It just didn't add up.

In their state of panic, the headmaster and his deputy didn't notice the whistling until Baba ramped it up from barely perceptible to extremely obnoxious. The room stood in silence for some moments, everyone waiting for her to stop, until her whistling became even shriller.

Red faced, Minerva gave the tiny old hag her most murderous glare "Could you stop that?!"

"Oh, I'm sorry" Baba grinned "It's just, I couldn't help but overhear that you're short a history teacher"

"And?" the transfiguration professor was getting more irritated by the second.

"I just happen to have a candidate that would be perfect for the jobs"

McGonagall's eyes almost popped out of her head. Without warning she whipped out her want and cast a blasting hex at Baba.

"EEEEEEK!" Baba screamed at the top of her lungs. She fell off her crystal ball and the curse sailed over her, colliding with some of Dumbledore's trinkets and blasting them to kingdom come.

"MINERVA, STOP!" Albus boomed. Minerva stopped in her tracks, another curse on the tip of her tongue.

"Albus, she clearly orchestrated the whole thing! It's glaringly obvious!" she spat with fire in her voice.

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" Baba screamed from behind her crystal ball.

McGonagall's knuckles where turning chalk white from the deathgrip she had on her wand. Trunks observed the whole scene amusedly.

Albus was going to hate himself for what he was about to say, but he had no other choice "Can you bring him in for an interview?" he asked, defeat coloring his tone.

McGonagall's head snapped, her outrage now focused on the headmaster "Albus, surely you couldn't-"

"Minerva, we'll discuss it later, but you have to understand, even if you suspect Professor Baba of foul play" he shot the short witch a pointed look, making it clear that there was no doubt in his mind that she'd been involved "We're a week away from classes, we have to give this 'candidate' a shot"

Baba stuck her tongue out at Minerva, who looked like she would actually murder her if given the chance. Baba tapped her crystal ball once and spoke "All right then, come on in for your interview"

Without any warning, without even a customary *pop* of apparition, a man materialized in Dumbledore's office.

Minerva and Filch jumped back in shock. The squib knocked himself back far enough that he fell down the stairs of Dumbledore's office, not that anyone noticed.

Dumbledore's brain was going haywire, for this woman and her associate to be able to apparate into HIS office at will, it was mind boggling.

Baba's eyebrows furrowed "You idiot, what the hell are you wearing?"

The warrior shifted around, looking at his attire. "What? I looked up how British people dressed" Trunks laughed at Vegito's explanation.

Vegito was wearing a tweed suit, a very well fitting, stylish, dark brown tweed suit. He looked like Sherlock Holmes or a really old high school English teacher. "Besides, Trunks doesn't look like a wizard either" the saiyan pointed out.

Before Baba could yell at him some more, Dumbledore spoke up. "Are you my job candidate?"

"Yes I am!" Vegito affirmed with gusto.

"And what is your name?" McGonagall asked, looking disapproving of his bizarre attire and general appearance.

"I'm Vegito" the saiyan tipped his top hat to the deputy.

"What experience do you have teaching magical history, mister Vegito?"

Vegito froze, the old bitch hadn't told him what exactly he'd be teaching, so he wasn't ready to give an answer. "Lots?" he offered shakily.

The headmaster felt a headache coming on. "Professor Baba, can you ensure that this man will not cause any terrible calamities while at my school?"

"I can" Baba crossed her fingers behind her back.

"You're hired" Dumbledore said bluntly.

"But Albus…" Minerva blurted out, she couldn't believe that Albus would allow this incompetent to teach children.

"Its History of Magic Minerva, not like anyone was getting educated before" Albus rubbed his temple "Just show them to the great hall"

"But-"

"Now!" he snapped.

The headmaster's office emptied silently. Dumbledore opened up one of his drawers and pulled out a bottle of firewhisky. _Why didn't I join Gellert when I had the chance?_

_..._

The great hall was massive, big enough to fit a few of the student's houses and then some. The lack of house tables made it seem even larger as the group of four walked over to the staff table. Said table was mostly empty, as most of the teachers took breaks after completing their lesson plan and only returned on September first. The only staff members at the castle were Professor Slughorn, Hagrid and Professor Sprout (who came and went every afternoon to check on the greenhouses).

"Hello there!" Slughorn waved over the new professor. Even if she was just the Divination teacher, it didn't mean he couldn't be friendly, you never knew when a person could become useful.

Baba floated over to the corpulent professor giving him a penetrating gaze. Slughorn pulled back uncomfortably as Baba floated over the staff table and right into his personal space. The ugly old imp assessed him as the Slytherin head tried to inch back without visually doing so.

There was an awkward silence as everyone watched this weird display. Trunks and Vegito ignored all this and plopped down on two of the chairs next to Hagrid, piling food onto their plate. Finally Baba found what she was looking for and pulled away from the professor.

"Let me guess, you're Trovus Slughorn's boy, aren't you?"

"You knew my father?" Slughorn asked incredulously.

"Of course, Trovus was a regular at the whorehouse I used to run" Slughorn blanched and the rest of the staff stared at the new teacher in shock.

Vegito couldn't help but snort into his food, trying not to choke as he laughed as silently as possible. Trunks shook his head while he shoved meat and bread into his mouth. He couldn't say the food was particularly great, but the plates kept refilling, and that was heaven.

Hagrid jumped, noticing the two men sitting next to him for the first time. "Who the ruddy hell are you?"

Trunks stretched his hand out to the groundskeeper. "I'm Trunks, professor Baba's handler" Baba frowned at his substitution of handler for assistant, she'd need to have a talk with him when they were in his quarters.

"I never heard of professors needing handlers before" Hagrid didn't even know what a handler was. Baba rushed over to them on her ball, leaving a red Slughorn alone to be consoled by Sprout.

"He's my assistant dear, he helps me teach my class, carriers around my equipment and so on" Baba glared at Trunks. Hagrid scratched his beard "Oh well umm… I guess it makes sense"

"An you?" Hagrid asked Vegito.

"History teacher" the saiyan threw out "Old one died or something" he added when Hagrid gave him a confused look.

Pomona was more interested in the new Divinations professor. "What exactly are your credentials, Professor…?" Sprout trailed off, realizing she didn't even know the new teacher's name.

"Baba, Fortuneteller Baba" Baba sent the dumpy professor a superior look "I've been giving out fortunes since before you decided to stop bathing, dear"

Both Trunks and Vegito chortled at this one and Sprout stood up from her chair indignantly. The Herbology master was going to give the tiny old bat a piece of her mind when Slughorn burst from his chair.

"FORTUNETELLER BABA! Oh my!" The potions master shuffled towards Baba and kissed her hand. Baba swiped it away "I appreciate the gesture, but your whiskers are revolting"

Slughorn twirled his moustache "Yes, yes, forgive me fortuneteller" Sprout and Hagrid looked perplexed at the man's demeanor, neither of them having heard of the old lady.

"Why are you groveling to this shriveled old bat, Horace?" Baba glared at Sprout, who stuck her tongue out in defiance. "Why Pomona, fortuneteller Baba was the most famous seer in the world. She'd offer fortunes to Lords for the highest of prices" Horace had only heard of her through his parents, but the stories were magical "She disappeared over eighty years ago" Sprout glanced at the old bat and nodded, she definitely looked old enough.

Baba stuck her tongue out at Sprout "I hope you understand now that I am above your station you dumpy little woman"

"RARRGH!" This proved to be too much for professor Sprout, she leapt from her chair and brandished her wand, not hesitating to throw curses at the fortuneteller.

Baba's eyes widened in terror as she barely dodged spell after spell, almost losing her balance and falling off her crystal ball on some occasions.

"_Diffindo! Confrigo! Bombarda!" _

"BODYGUARD, WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR JOB?!" Baba screamed at the amused Trunks before she fell off her crystal ball. Trunks shrugged "I don't see any danger here, besides I'm your assistant, not your bodyguard"

"Pomona that is quite enough!" Dumbledore's authoritative voice froze Sprout in her tracks. The Herbology professor received a look from the newly arrived headmaster and she sat down in only slight shame.

"Now I hope all of you can get along better. Professor Baba, you have colleagues now, you need to show a certain level of camaraderie with them and that begins by respecting and…" Dumbledore stopped when he saw that Baba was mimicking his speech like a five year old child. God, the war with Voldemort would need to end soon, he couldn't imagine putting up with this woman for a full school year without strangling her.

It took a few seconds of Dumbledore's silence before Baba realized he'd stopped. She looked around and gave a slight blush "forgive me headmaster, you may continue"

Dumbledore gave an almost imperceptible sigh "Why don't you all get acquainted with your quarters?"

...

September first, the day students would be arriving at Hogwarts. It was always a big day at the castle, the preparations for housing hundreds of teenagers were complete (the preparations consisted of letting the house elves take care of it), lesson plans were finalized, Filch had finished alphabetizing the previous year's contraband, Hagrid had told all the acromantula and poisonous vampire deer that they couldn't come along to his cabin until next summer.

And on this day the rest of the Hogwarts teaching staff was returning to the school. The professors didn't have to arrive at the same time, but they did have to all be there in time for a lunch staff meeting where they'd discuss the coming school year.

Professor Kettleburn arrived first, making a beeline towards the forbidden forest to see how Hagrid had screwed with the creatures this time. He got there at eight in the morning, his two peg legs slowed him down considerably so he needed extra time to inspect the forest. At around ten came professors Sinistra, Vector and Quirrell. The former two arrived together because they were "good friends" and they shared a flat in the summer, the jumpy muggle studies professor arrived with them because he was petrified of being attacked while coming up the path of the school, so he always waited at the gate for somebody else that he could enter with. Professor Flitwick was dropped off by his band at half past ten, and finally the defense professor (whose name no one could remember) arrived at eleven.

It was at midday an hour later that all the professors crowded the great hall, waiting for the headmaster. They were all catching up, talking about what they'd been up to in the summer break, the terrifying and bloody war the wizarding world was currently involved in, and the new Divinations teacher.

"Really Pomona, she can't be THAT much of a bitch" Flitwick spoke as they all stood in a gossip circle. The topic of their discussion had yet to come down for the meeting.

"Believe me Filius, she is. She's a horrible unlikable ugly poisonous woman!" McGonagall assured her colleague. Flitwick raised an eyebrow, McGonagall hated the Divinations course as much as anyone, but it wasn't like her to be so… outspoken about another teacher.

"What say you Horace?" Slughorn jumped at being asked the question. The usually boisterous potions master had been rather quiet when the other heads had gotten to talk about the new teacher.

Slughorn scratched the back of his head "Oh I don't know Filius, the woman isn't that bad! I mean she's…she's…. I heard she's a very good seer!" He didn't sound very convincing, and the other professors immediately realized that Slughorn wouldn't talk bad about this woman because he probably wanted to gain some favor with her.

"What's this about two other new hires? I heard they were like her flunkies" Vector questioned.

McGonagall sighed "The History professor is…difficult" she shared a dark look with Pomona "and I'm convinced that her assistant is no older than a 7th year. He is a typical teenager"

"Well come on now professer, the guys ain't so bad" Hagrid quipped in, having come in from the grounds with twigs in his beard.

McGonagall shook her head "You only say that because they goes out drinking and adventuring with you Hagrid. Though I will admit Mr. Briefs seems like a sensible young man, the fact that he's in some way involved with that woman puts his judgment under questioning"

"Wait a minute, since when did professors get allowed assistants?" Sinistra cut in with indignation.

Sprout shook her head "We know how you feel Aurora, I sometimes thing Albus is going batty with all the ridiculousness he allows surrounding that woman"

A voice was heard coming down the staircase "Is that jealousy I hear? The bitter sounds of jealousy?"

In her usual dress, riding her crystal ball, Baba came down the staircase. "Trying to turn the staff against me early I see, but it won't work!"

McGonagall massaged her temple "Everyone, this is professor Baba"

"Hello everyone, I'm sure you're mystified at being in the presence of fortuneteller Baba!"

"Oh kami, why are you like this?" Came a voice from behind her. Trunks and Vegito walked in, Vegito wearing the same 19th century attire as before and Trunks being marginally more formal than before with a polo shirt. They each prominently displayed their wands (that were actually just sticks). The two smiled at the staff.

"Hey there everybody, I'm your new History teacher, Vegito" he waved.

"I'm Trunks, her assistant or whatever" having finished his introductions, the two men headed over to Hagrid.

"So Hagrid, up for some spider wrestling up in the forest tonight?"

"WHAT?-"

"Everyone, if you could please sit down" Dumbledore had arrived. The professors stood frozen for a second before they started shuffling to take their seats at the staff table. There was much scraping of chairs and sitting of butts. Finally, everyone had found a chair.

Dumbledore looked at them over his half-moon glasses "Before we begin; Mr Briefs, while you will be at the staff table later tonight you do not need to be in this meeting if you don't-"

"See you chumps later" Trunks jumped from his chair and walked off to god knows where. Everyone stared at his retreating back until he was out of sight.

"No fair!" Vegito whined, why could his half-son leave this stupid meeting but he couldn't?

Someone coughed. Dumbledore cleared his throat "Yes well, we have many important and serious topics to discuss, but first I would like to introduce our new staff members. First, our new Defense expert, professor… ehm, um…" Dumbledore stared at the embarrassed Defense professor hard before chuckling "I'm sorry my good friend, I seem to have forgotten your name"

"It's quite right headmaster, my name is-"

_When this Boy Meets World_

_Boy Meeets World _

_Walking down this road_

_That We Call Liiife_

All heads shot off into the direction of Baba, who looked nonplussed before she giggled and pulled out her crystal ball, which was currently showing images of a muggle high school. "I forgot, my show is on"

Baba hopped up on her crystal ball and looked over to the headmaster apologetically "You understand that this is urgent, Topanga just broke up with Cory and they're both very vulnerable. I don't really need to be in on this meeting anyways, I already saw it on this" she patted her crystal ball. She frowned over at Flitwick "I don't get why you of all people would make fun of my height, you little midget elf!" she huffed and immediately left the hall, heading to her quarters.

Slughorn leaned over to McGonagall and whispered "I told you she was good"

It was going to be a terrible year, she could just tell.

...

The Hogwarts Express was buzzing with excitement. Despite the war that was raging on outside and the many students that had lost family members, they were still teenagers at school. Howarts was the safest place in the British Isles, so many of the students, especially the younger ones, decided to leave their worries at the door and focus on enjoying the school year. For many students this would be their last year; their last year before they were thrown into the front line of a bloody magical war, or their last year before they fled the country. No group of students felt more emotional about their final year than the 7th year Gryffindors.

Peter Pettigrew was one of those Gryffindors. "Hey guys, ready for a kickass year? We are so going to prank the school eh? Eh?"

The other three marauders stared at their friend in disbelief "Seriously Peter?" Sirius got up in his face "James' parents DIED, Remus was attacked by other werewolves and I've been disowned, and all you can think about is pranks?!"

Peter whimpered "I'm sorry I just… you guys said last year I needed to be more… I mean" Remus got in the middle of the two boys and pulled Sirius back. "There, there Padfoot, I'm sure Peter didn't mean to be an idiot, he just is"

James rolled his eyes at all of this "Hey Padfoot, you know what would be funny? What If we led the firsties down into the dungeons after the feast and then ditched them there" Sirius and Remus laughed "Ha, that would be fantastic Prongs!"

"But, but…" Peter quivered.

"That's enough Wormtail" James cut him off "Just be quiet"

The engine came to a halt, signaling that the Hogwarts express had reached Hogsmeade station. Soon the students were shuffling off the train.

"So prongs, who was Head Girl again?" Sirius asked, though he already knew the answer.

"Lilyflower!" James got stars in his eyes. "She told me she'd never allow me within five feet of her, but I know I can chip away at that" he said confidently.

Remus whistled "Five feet, that's farther than last year"

'Yeah, but it's still closer than the year before" Sirius assured, not wanting his mate to be discouraged "Besides, if she's not up to it by the end of the year you could always just use other means, if you know what I mean" Sirius wiggled his eyebrows and the others laughed.

Peter chuckled "Yeah, you could slip her a love potion" the other three boys stared at him in disbelief. "Peter what the hell?! You want me to date rape the woman I love? Because that's what love potions are Peter, RAPE!" Peter cowered at James words.

"But, Sirius-"

"BAD Peter, Bad bad Peter" he was swatted on the head by both Remus and Sirius, then James jumped in and the three of them began disciplining Peter.

"Merlin, you boys are so immature" The Marauders turned to see Head Girl Lily Evans, who had been walking by on her way to a carriage. "I don't get why you hang out with them Remus, you're too nice to be caught up with these buffoons"

"Hey now Lils, I'm not immature!" James begged "My parents are dead! When have you heard of an immature person with dead parents?"

Lily stared at him in shocked disbelief "I don't… Potter…. I don't know whether to feel pity or… yes, I definitely feel pity"

"Does pity get me a date?" James wriggled his eyebrows like he'd seen Sirius do earlier.

"Just keep away from me Potter" Lily left quickly for an almost full carriage, harrying the third years inside to close the doors.

Sirius put his arm around a sad James "Don't worry Prongs, I'm a hundred percent sure you'll get her this year"

James sighed "I hope you're right Padfoot, otherwise I'll have to put her under the Imperious or something"

"Hahahahahahaha, oh Prongs you dog" Remus patted James in the back while Peter seethed inside.

_Later that night_

"Welcome students, to another wonderful year at Hogwarts!" Dumbledore spread his arms out wide. His eyes searched the crowd to see if Frank Longbottom was still alive. Relief washed over him when he saw the boy with his girlfriend at the head of Gryffindor table, he'd need to swindle some money from that boy soon.

"I'd like you all to meet our new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, professor…" Dumbledore trailed off, wracking his brain for the man's name. The Professor was about to stand up and offer it himself when Dumbledore Spoke "Oh I'm sure he'll tell you when you get to class. Anyways, we also have a new Divination teacher, please welcome Professor Baba!"

Baba had her crystal ball float her higher so she could be seen by everyone. The students clapped sparingly, making her frown and teasing a smile from most of the staff table.

"I must sadly inform you all that Professor Binns has passed on to the next great adventure" a cheer erupted in the hall, which Dumbledore waited out "I am proud to announce our new History teacher, Professor Vegito, and next to him is professor Baba's assistant, Mr. Trunks Briefs"

The male population gave them the same reaction as they did Baba, but the female students were a lot more enthusiastic about the new hires.

"Oh my god, they're so hot!"

"I've never seen people dressed like that, they must be fashion models from the continent!"

"I really don't know much history, can he give me special tutoring?"

"Why did I drop Divination?"

Lily Evans was among the girls fawning over the new staff members, specifically the assistant teacher. Being involved in divination didn't reflect kindly on him, but he was a mysterious looking handsome guy with really fantastic hair, she could give him the benefit of a doubt.

"Lily are you fawning over this trogledike?" James asked aghast. Remus face palmed at the abuse of language.

Lily glared at James "its troglodyte, you troglodyte. Seriously, how are you even Head Boy?"

Remus came to his friends' defense "It is a magic school Lily, not a grammar school"

"You know what I mean Remus" Lily scoffed

A girl across the table from Lily waved her hands to get the redhead's attention. Lily looked over questioningly "What is it Silvia?"

"Who are you going to give your Divination spot to?'

"What?" the attention of other female 7th years was piqued, even some from the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables turned their heads in their direction.

Lily's face reddened at all the focus "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You said on the train that you were going get McGonagall to drop you from Divination because it was stupid" Lily shook her head "I never said that Silvia"

"Bu-"

"I NEVER SAID THAT, OK!?" Lily sent the other girl her best glare

"Ahem"

Lily turned her head to see that the entire school was staring at her. She blushed even darker than before and put her head down.

Dumbledore waited for enough awkward silence to build up before finally breaking it "Dig in!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Good morning class, I hope you all had a good summer"

The classroom was dead silent, with some people looking at Vegito as if he was crazy for asking such a thing in these times. This was his first class, fifth year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, and it was full to capacity. The problem was Vegito didn't know what the hell he was going to teach them. "So…" he trailed off. Everyone in the room looked at him expectantly. Vegito wracked his brain, a brain that had decades of combined experience in dangerous and violent situations but had a grand total of zero schooling. He shrugged and decided to just wing it.

"Can you guys keep a secret?" He asked in a very non-scholarly tone. The students looked at each other, not sure where the professor was going with this, but a few hesitantly nodded.

"Well, I don't really know shit about the history of anything, much less magic"

This got gasps from a few of the Ravenclaws in the room, and all the students were giving him varied looks of disbelief.

"It's the truth" Vegito admitted at seeing their faces "I tried reading this book here" he pulled out a copy of _Hogwarts a History_ "But to be honest with you guys, I've never been the reading type. And especially not something as boring as this piece of crap"

A round of laughter swept through the classroom; Vegito didn't know why they were laughing, but seeing as they weren't laughing at him he took it as a good thing.

"I'm serious, I mean, what do you kids think about this stuff?" he asked.

"What stuff?" someone asked.

"Yanno, Goblin rebellions for example, from what I skimmed there's a billion of them"

"Those bloody goblins are just a bunch of greedy bastards, they always want to take more" one Gryffindor boy yelled, earning cheers from most of the classroom.

"Oh come off it" A Ravenclaw girl responded "Goblins were being oppressed by wizards for centuries, they were only fighting for their rights"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"BLOODY GOBLIN LOVER, GO OUT AND MARRY ONE"

"EVERYONE CALM DOWN!" Vegito's voice boomed over all of the students cursing the Ravenclaw girl out "I'm sure we can argue this thing out like magic beings, can't we?" the room fell silent at the teachers' admonishment "Now, you two" he pointed out the Gryffindor boy and the flustered Ravenclaw girl "You'll each have a turn to argue your points, ok?"

"All right professor" they both responded in unison.

Vegito clapped his hands together "Ok then, get to arguing"

_…__56 minutes later…_

"That's ridiculous, Herpo the foul wouldn't last a second against Salazar Slytherin"

"Just because Slytherin was a founder doesn't mean he was all powerful"

"Still, he lived 300 years after Herpo, magic had advanced enough in that time to give Slytherin an advantage"

"That doesn't matter! Slytherin was only an average dueler for his time, his real expertise was in potions and warding. Herpo would have wiped the floor with him!"

Vegito's watch vibrated, letting him know that class was about to end. He had to say, the past hour had been enlightening. He'd learned a lot about wizard history with all the arguing the kids had done; they'd jumped from tangent to tangent and ended up somewhere completely unrelated to the original discussion. The students seemed to love it too, either they were knowledgable about a topic and they wanted to put their two cents in and prove they were smarter than everyone else, or they just watched with interested as two of their classmates tried to beat each other down with words and facts.

"Ok, that's enough for today kids" he interrupted as one redhead Gryffindor kid was challenging Herpo's victory over Bardus the Grand as irrelevant due to Bardus' weakened state at the time.

"Awwwww" the class groaned "Can't we finish this argument?" one boy asked.

"Sorry kids" everyone looked downtrodden "Tell you what, you all do some more research on these two and make sure you really know your stuff, and next class we'll keep it going"

Cheers rang up throughout the classroom. Outside, many people were walking by the History classroom perplexed, having never heard anything but dead silence come from this room. Minerva McGonagall had heard the commotion coming from the room fifteen minutes ago and was waiting outside. She tapped her foot impatiently as she expected to overhear the students discuss how professor Vegito was a bumbling fool that had made a mockery of Hogwarts teaching standards. Albus would have to withstand her wrath at lunch.

As the students filed out, they were talking excitedly amongst themselves.

"He's brilliant. Pretending to not know anything so that we can discuss history ourselves? Genius!"

"I'm going to hit the library as soon as I can, don't want anybody else to hog all the good books"

Minerva was frozen in place. Some of professor Vegito's first years shuffled in as she stood rooted to the spot. For the first time in her years teaching at Hogwarts, Minerva would be late for her next class.

Before the opening feast, the seventh year Divination class was small enough that it was composed of students from all houses. For some reason, there was a sudden influx of interest in the course. Now there was enough space for two classes. In about five minutes the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff students would arrive. Baba was sitting at her desk, having stacked a bunch of books on her chair so her crystal ball was visible on top of her desk. Trunks was leaning against the wall next to the classroom's trapdoor entrance. Trunks didn't know what role he was going to play in this farce of a class, and he was frustrated.

"Baba, why don't you just find out where these people hold their valuables and send us around to steal them, it would be more worthwhile than me wasting my time in here"

Baba shook her head "Oh Trunks, you don't understand. It's not just the loot, the act of conning people out of their livelihood is its own reward" Trunks actually looked contemplative at these words, which seemed very wise to him.

"You know what, I'm going to observe your methods. There might be something I can glean from you"

"Of course you can glean something from my genius! Why do you think the demand for this class grew so quickly when they found out I was teaching it?" Trunks rolled his eyes, he knew the real reason: horny schoolgirls, and they were most definitely not directing their gaze at Baba.

The clock that was mounted on the wall buzzed, signifying that class period would begin in five minutes.

Trunks waved his hand and the trapdoor slammed open. He walked over to a stool next to a table in the back corner and sat down, waiting for the students to arrive. Baba pulled out some blank rolls of parchment and began shuffling them. Soon there was a murmur of voices and the sound of moving feet. The students began filing into the room, the mass of bodies spreading out into the tables.

Lily was among the first to arrive, so she was quick to take the table next to Trunks, along with a few other girls. James, Sirius and Peter took the next table over, keeping a close eye to make sure the obviously lecherous assistant didn't take advantage of any of the girls (especially Lily).

Baba waited for everyone to settle in before clearing her throat. "Welcome students, to the most important class in your magical education" Lily couldn't help herself from snorting loudly at this.

"Is she really this full of herself?" She whispered to her tablemates.

Trunks had overheard her "Believe me, it gets worse" Lily held down a bush at the handsome purple haired teen.

"But you're her assistant, shouldn't you be supportive of her?"

He waved her off "Bah, she's an old hag"

"AS I WAS SAYING CLASS" Baba raised her voice to catch her assistant's attention. "This is Trunks my docile and subservient assistant. Anyways, I want all of you to begin rubbing your crystal balls in a nice circular motion"

The entire classroom looked hesitant before they began doing as the witch said. It was uncomfortable, the dry surface of the crystal ball and their palms creating a painfully annoying squeak. "Rub some of that lotion I've put in your tables in there"

Lily looked around her table and saw a bottle of some sort of lotion standing there. All four girls on the table squeezed out some of the lotion and began rubbing it all over the ball, their hands now gliding smoothly over it.

James and Sirius were having fun, rubbing the ball in suggestive ways. Peter thought it would be funny to rub the ball with two fingers as if it had nipples, but he thought better of it remembering his friend's reactions to previous jokes.

"Hey prongs, look at this!" Sirius began rubbing the crystal ball with his index and middle finger as it had a pair of nipples. "Hahaha, don't do it too hard Padfoot, don't want to overstimulate them eh"

Peter grinded his teeth in frustration. "You there, rat looking boy! Why aren't you rubbing lotion?" Baba pointed him out "50 points from whatever house you're from!"

Sirius smacked peter in the back of the head "Goddamnit Wormtail, have a talk with yourself"

"That's enough rubbing class" Baba raised her hands up and the class gasped as the balls floated up in the air. They couldn't believe a small old lady could do something not even you-know-who was capable of. Baba called the crystal balls to her and opened up a trunk under her desk. The balls flew over the desk and down into the bottomless trunk. Baba nodded appreciatively "Good, I needed to have those cleaned up a long time ago" she cracked her fingers and looked around the room "Well, let's get started then" she looked over at a Hufflepuff girl "You there, what's your name?"

"Katie Zang professor"

"I want you to think of a number between one and ten"

"O…K" the girl responded, not sure where this was going.

Baba then directed her attention to the blonde sitting next to her "You, guess what number she's thinking of"

The blonde girl paused a second, wondering if the teacher was actually being serious. Finally she answered "Um… three?" she looked over at Katie to see if she was right, but Katie shook her head. "It was nine"

"Don't tell her the number girl!" Baba snapped "You kids will never learn to see the future if you can't even see the present! I want all of you to pair up and try out this exercise for the rest of the class" heh, and she was scared that she wouldn't find a way to fill 90 minutes.

Almost every single student smiled simultaneously. If they were going to earn credit hours for doing _this_ then divination was going to be awesome. There was a mass of chattering as students partnered up. Lily ended up without a partner when her best friend Alice stood up and dashed over to Frank. She looked around and saw there was nobody she could do the 'exercise' with. Not like she really wanted to waste her time doing something so intellectually insulting anyways.

Baba noticed the red head wasn't paired up, so she waved at Trunks "Assistant, do the exercise with that friendless girl" she said loudly, making Lily redden indignantly. Trunks shrugged and stood up. Lily dipped her head as everyone was looking at her, all of the girls glaring with hatred and Potter looking shaken to his core. Trunks sat down next to her.

"Hey there again" he smiled.

"Hi" she said meekly, moving a strand of hair behind her ear. She hated that she was acting as vapid as all the girls she ridiculed, but he had such nice eyes!

The next table down, Remus was trying to calm a seething James down "Cool it Prongs, he's just doing his job"

James grit his teeth "We are so pranking the shit out of that guy"

"Five" Sirius guessed. Peter shook his head "It's not five"

Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously "why the hell would you do that?"

"Do what?" Peter cowered.

"You were clearly thinking of five and then changed it when I guessed right"

"WHAT?! Of course I didn't, how would you even know that?"

"Because I have the gift of divination you dumbass" Sirius said, as if this was obvious.

"Not cool Wormtail, not cool" James and Remus told him. Peter struck his palms to his sweaty face, why was he even friends with these guys?

Meanwhile, Trunks and Lily were getting started with their exercise.

"Ok, guess what number I'm thinking of" He put a finger to his temple as if he was concentrating heavily, which made Lily giggle.

"Ten?"

Trunks shook his head.

"Four"

"Nope"

"Six"

Trunks finally nodded. The two sat in silence for a second before they both burst into laughter.

"This is so dumb" Trunks said.

"I take it you don't think highly of your boss?" Lily asked, happy that he wasn't a divination weirdo.

"Nah. To be honest with you, I'm doing this to help get back at someone" he admitted.

"Really? What did they do?" she whispered, not wanting the professor to overhear.

Trunks inched close to her, something a watching James did not approve of at all "The most I can say is that my boss at my real job has it coming"

Lily raised an eyebrow, not really understanding how being an annoying old witch's assistant helped him get revenge on his boss. "How old are you anyways?" she blurted it out and felt ashamed the moment she asked it, knowing she was entering flirting territory now.

"I'm pretty much the same age as you guys, I just turned 18 a few months ago" he offered her a charming smile that made her want to melt. Merlin, she could tell he was a bad boy but she couldn't help herself, it was like he was what Potter tried so hard to be.

"By the way, what's your name" he asked "You know, so I can jot down on the student list that you did the assignment" the side of his mouth curved upward as he said this last part. Lily covered her mouth to muffle another giggle. "Lily Evans, I'm the head girl"

Trunks wracked his brain for what the hell head girl was, then he remembered a boarding school his mom almost forced him to attend when he was 12 (he'd sneaked into her lab and created a black hole that almost consumed the whole solar system. He blamed it all on Goten but Bulma had already smartened up by then). He remembered that the heads and prefects were basically full time hall monitors. That meant that Lily was both a very smart girl and a goody-two shoes, just the kind of girl that would fall for him.

"Well in that case, I look forward to doing rounds with you"

"ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT!" James' voice snapped the entire class out of what they were doing. James was standing over Trunks, seething with rage.

Lily wanted to crawl into a hole from embarrassment "Potter, would you please stop making a fool of yourself" she told him through gritted teeth, her face red as a tomato as the whole classroom was staring at them.

"No way Lilyflower, I have to defend your honor from this lecherous... lecher!" he squared up on Trunks, who looked more amused than intimated.

Baba was watching all this with interest, but she realized she needed to take control of the class "Listen now Mr-" she looked around to see where the class list was, but she'd left it somewhere "- Boy with glasses! You will return to your table or I will give you detention forever!"

James wasn't listening, and with a determined look on his face, he stared right at Trunks "Sir, I challenge you to a duel!" there was a gasp throughout the entire room. Baba's eyes lit up, she was going to see where this went.

"A duel eh, and what would the prize be?" Trunks asked in amusement.

"The winner takes Lily's hand in marriage!" James said dramatically, eliciting an equally dramatic gasp from the students.

Lily stood up in rage, ready to curse James to hell or highwater "Potter are you insane? I will not be put up as a reward for your childish antics!"

James put his hands up defensively, sensing that Lily might be about to hex him "Don't worry Lilyflower, I won't let him win"

Lily grabbed James by the scruff of his neck and pulled him to her roughly. It was a position that James would have enjoyed if Lily wasn't gripping him like a Hippogryff and glaring at him with so much intense hatred "You. Will. Not. Do. It. Understood?"

"Ok" James said weakly. Lily pushed him away and sat back down in her chair, not giving anymore fucks about how much the class was gaping at her.

"Well, that was fun" Trunks quipped. James turned right back to him, anger returning to his expression "We're not calling this off. The loser will be stripped of their magic-"James' eyes bulged when he realized what he'd just said "- for a month" he added hastily.

Trunks pretended to mull it over. Lily put a hand on his shoulder "Trunks, you don't have to do this" she looked at him pleadingly.

Trunks offered her a reassuring smile that he knew she'd just love "Don't worry Lily, I'll be fine" he stood up to face James. They were both the same height, but while James was very slim Trunks cut an imposing figure with his muscular build. "I accept your challenge"

"Good, the duel will be at lunch in the great hall, be there" James offered him one final glare and then stormed out of the classroom. The other three marauders quickly followed.

The class was in stunned silence, there hadn't been a formal duel in Hogwarts in forever, some kids didn't even know it was possible.

"All right then students" Baba looked around her classroom. She got a huge grin and pulled out a board with hundreds of tickets "Place your bets, place your bets! I have six to one odds on Trunks, minimum wager is three sickles, who's in?"

All the students immediately ran over to Baba, wanting to put money on this momentous event. Baba really, really wanted to burst into evil laughter, but she'd need to save it for later. Bringing Trunks and Vegito along was turned out to be a great idea.

…..

"DUEL! DUEL! DUEL! DUEL!" the entire great hall was chanting. News of the duel between the Head Boy and the divinations assistant had spread like wildfire. The entire student body was forming a circle around the two teenagers, who were preparing for the duel. Vegito was at the staff table with Hagrid, sharing some firewhisky that the giant had snuck in and gazing upon the chaos with glee. Baba could be seen weaving in and out of the sea of students collecting money. It seemed that everyone had put money on Trunks.

"What is going on here?" Dumbledore, followed by the rest of the staff, entered the great hall.

"It's a duel professor!" somebody yelled out.

Mcgonagall scoffed "There will be no such thing, there hasn't been a duel at Hogwarts in over fifty years"

"I know for a fact that a duel in Hogwarts cannot happen unless it's sanctioned by a teacher" Flitwick said.

The entire student body groaned in disappointment as they saw their entertainment disintegrate.

Dumbledore smiled "Well, do any of you sanction this duel?" he looked back at his staff, who all shook their heads "In that case, I can safely say-"

"I sanction this duel" Baba cut him off. The students roared into cheers as the tiny woman came into view. She was sitting on her crystal ball and had a gigantic sack filled with galleons following behind her.

"Headmaster, you can't allow her to do this!" Sprout pleaded Dumbledore.

Albus had no choice, rules were rules and there was nothing he could do about it, no matter how much he wanted to wring the little hag's neck. "One of them dies, and it's on your head" he told Baba simply. The entire hall burst into another cheer as people returned to chanting for the fight. Dumbledore strolled over to his spot on the high table. The teachers looked outraged that he'd allow something but Flitwick and Slughorn snuck into the circle of students to get a good look at the fighting.

"Ah, professor Slughorn, good to see you here" Baba commended the corpulent man "Care to place a bet?"

Slughorn looked down at the tickets Baba was holding, she was almost sold out "Don't mind if I do!" he pulled out his money pouch and started counting Galleons.

In the middle of it all, Trunks and James stood at opposite sides. James was twirling his wand and Trunks was holding the stick Baba had conjured up for him.

"You ready to lose pretty boy?" James taunted.

Trunks rolled his eyes "Just get on with it"

James steeled himself and leapt into action, using every dueling technique his father had taught him.

"_Confrigo. Bombardra. Stupefy. Impedimenta!_" he yelled out as many incantations as he could in quick succession, bombarding Trunks with spellfire. Trunks calmly sidestepped each spell. James continued firing curse after curse, trying to shoot them off in all directions, but somehow Trunks was able to dodge each and every one of them.

"Aren't you going to attack you coward?" James yelled out, already getting out of breath.

Trunks took that as his cue to do something, so he held his stick as expertly as he could and yelled out a spell "_Makemeus Fasticus!"_ he made a show of waving the stick over himself. His 'spell' complete, Trunks fazed right in front of the black haired teen. James' eyes widened in shock and he tried to jump back, but Trunks swiped his wand from his hand before he could do anything about it.

Trunks twirled James' wand in his fingers "I hope you learned to never challenge a stranger to a duel"

James was trying to stand as firm as he could, though he was trebling slightly waiting for Trunks to finish him off. What Trunks did next shocked everybody. He tossed James' wand at him and the head boy caught it with trepidation.

"You learned your lesson, now hit me"

"WHAT?!"

"THAT's CHEATING!"

"They were in on it the whole time!"

The entire student body groaned in disappointment and anger at what was happening. Seeing that it might become a volatile situation, Baba yelled out "NO REFUNDS!" and ran off with her money while everyone was still focused on the duel.

"You're letting me win?" James asked incredulous.

"I can't exactly allow a student to go a month without magic now, can I?" Trunks smirked when he saw all the women swoon at his 'nobility'. He really wanted to pat himself on the back.

With slight hesitation, James shot a stunning spell at Trunks. Trunks took it and was shocked when the spell sent him crashing to the ground. He hadn't actually expected magic to do anything to him, but it seemed magic didn't follow the same logic as ki. He wasn't knocked unconscious, but he was definitely thrown for a loop and disoriented.

"I won" James said dully. There were boos heard throughout the hall, though a lot of people had to admit that assistant professor Trunks was certainly a really swell guy. To give up his magic for a month so that a student wouldn't go without? Even though the student had instigated everything? How noble and kind he was. The students began to disperse, some heading for their tables and others leaving the great hall. Many were distraught when they realized they'd gambled away all their Hogsmeade money and now had nothing to shop with. Others had bet a little bit more and were wringing their hands nervously at the thought of what would happened when their parents checked their Gringotts account. Nobody had put money on James.

"I hope you're happy Potter!" an angry and worried Lily stepped up. She knelt down to help Trunks stand up "are you ok?" she asked with worry in her voice.

"I've been worse" Trunks groaned as she helped him up. He was still a bit surprised, not having expected magic to work on him. Thank Dende he didn't brick wall some of those spells like he'd thought about, or he might have looked like a chump.

James stepped forward hesitantly "Lily I didn't-"

"No Potter, you've done enough, now leave me alone!" Lily put Trunks' arm over her shoulder to support him. Trunks could walk fine, but he wasn't complaining about being pressed up against the red head. "Lily, take me to my quarters please" Lily nodded and they walked off slowly, Trunks exaggerating his limp as much as he could. James was left alone, staring at their retreating backs with a contemplative look.

The marauders walked up to him, having witnessed the whole thing and knowing that he needed a pick me up.

"Its ok Prongs" Sirius clasped a hand on his best mate's back "In fact, why don't we find out where his room is with the map and fill it with dung bombs? You guys with me right?" he glanced back at Remus and Peter, who gave their support.

"No guys, no pranking" James said soberly "I-I think I learned something today. I've been chasing after a girl that doesn't like me, that I never got to know as a friend and that might not have anything in common with me, and its lead me to make a whole bunch of stupid decision. I think I'm done chasing Lily guys"

Sirius and Peter were shocked, Remus had tears in his eyes "James, I never thought you'd make such a mature and sensible decision"

James took a deep breath "Yeah well, its time I moved on. Besides, there's always that red head in Hufflepuff with the huge knockers"

Remus deflated a bit. Well, it was a start.

"You mean Amelia Bones?" Sirius asked.

"Yep" James nodded, already fantasizing about motorboating those beauties.

Sirius hesitated a little before speaking "Sheesh Prongs, if I had known…"

"What do you mean Padfoot?"

"I already shagged her"

James' mood fell a bit "Well, I guess there's always that 6th year…"

"Shagged her" Sirius cut him off.

James became agitated "I didn't even say what house she was in!"

"Is she in 6th year?"

"Yes"

"Is she attractive?"

"Yes"

"Then I've shagged her"

James grumbled, glaring at his best friend "Remus, Peter, take five. Padfoot and I need to figure out what decent looking bird he hasn't shagged" he dragged Sirius off, trying to find one attractive female in Hogwarts that Padfoot hadn't buried his bone in.


End file.
